Good Morning from the worst cinema on the planet

I have recently discovered the worst cinema on God’s green earth. Been there, done that and really do not want a t-shirt. It was one of these multiplex outlets at the margins of the city, hidden away in a giant shopping mall. Entering it I already encountered a group of fighting teenagers. The woman in front of me in the queue had some trouble with her cinema card and was told rather harshly by the box office clerk “It’s not my fault that you can’t spell you name!” The two women embarked on a futile row as the real fault had taken shelter behind an impenetrable call centre. Speaking of call centres, the other day a call centre operator hung up on me. Shouldn’t that be the other way around?

But back to the cinema. I managed to trick a woman somewhat less accommodating than Little Britain’s Carol Beer, into handing me a ticket and already in a bad mood decided to treat myself to a bag of Revels. It was a bad day anyway and so far the cinema had done little to cheer me up. The man at the sweets counter said “Revels ey? What are those then?” and he wasn’t even kidding as his empty face told me as I giggled politely. I cleared my throat and said “orange and brown striped bag” and he said “oh is it chocolate?” Suddenly a walking profile-neurosis came rushing to the counter yelling “Moin you need to talk to me you need to do this and this and this” now that was funny because “Moin” means good morning should you be familiar with the language of Germany’s north. Also the man trying very hard to be important and authoritative shouting “Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning get your act together” reminded me of the seagulls in Finding Nemo, as they have a similar war cry. This could have cheered me up but it slowed down the poor stressed out “Multifunctional” as the cinema affectionately refers to its employees in his quest for the striped bag of mysterious sweets. Finally Goodmorning managed to find a bag and I genuinely believed him that he had never seen one before.

On entering the hallway that led to the screens a big bag search was in progress which was completely in tone with the general airport cosiness of the place. Luckily I got spared the search and was allowed to roam around for a while until I found my screen. Now the problems did not end there like I had hoped. There was a doorway under the screen leading to a fully lid corridor which was blocked off by neither door nor curtain which is basically the last thing you need in a cinema.

It smelled bad and the seats where unbelievably uncomfortable. Come on then Revels cheer me up! They didn’t really, instead they gave me a bad conscience. The film I saw was How to Lose Friends and Alienate People and frankly the cinema itself did a better job at fulfilling the titles promised lessons. As much as I like Simon Pegg, which is quite a lot, I could not bring myself to like this movie. On returning home I needed a healthy dose of Hot Fuzz to be reconciled. The group of teenagers sharing the screening with me were quite entertaining though. The scene with the transvestite annoyed be because I thought it was overwritten, it was so obvious that there was no need to explain it multiple times in multiple ways. Or so I thought. About a minute after seeing the penis and hearing the line “Penis!” in further explanation, a girl in a back row yelled “hang on was that a man? Oh my God it was! That’s a man A MAN!!!” and her cronies went “oh my God REALLY?!?!” Enough said. I stand corrected apparently the most obvious scene was still underwritten for some. I am not being overly arrogant here, just generally arrogant. Furthermore it was at around that time that the chocolates had gone so I felt stranded and alone.

On returning home I spoke to a friend of mine who asked me how I was to which I literally replied “Ever so slightly suicidal” to which she replied “Oh really? By the way you wouldn’t believe what a party I had the other night.” Thanks for that. I don’t think I count her among my readers, if I do consider youself column-exploited and be proud.

Good Morning.